Thoughtful Thursday I

I have been mulling this post around in my head for a while – forgive me if I ramble a bit trying to get it all out. I think it will get a little long – which is why I put a ‘I’ there – there may be a ‘II’ and a ‘III’.

I have not used my blog as a personal journal – and I don’t intend to make it into one. But the picture of me, the writer, seems incomplete – and someday I want my kids to have a record of the heart of their mom that only this writing can give them. And since this blog has become the major record of our family, here goes.

I have been working on my faith for a while, my whole life really, but lately...well…Let me start here. I was raised in the church. I had all the hymns and Bible Stories and Sunday School and mission trips and Vacation Bible School a girl could want. In high school on a mission trip to Mexico, my faith was seriously shaken and I came back to the Lord – that was a turning point in my faith for sure. It is said that at some point a child has to make their faith their own instead of following their parents faith – that is what happened to me in Mexico. I think I was 15.

God called me to be a nurse in Mexico the summer before my Senior year in High school (I was 16) – there is no doubt that he did – and I am so thankful for that calling. It gave me an identity that I had not had – something that was JUST mine. Leroy said this to me the other day – being a nurse for me is more than my degree or license – it is part of who I am. Makes me smile to think about it. I miss it.

I have always been a thinker – introspective to a fault for sure. I have lived my faith, going to church, doing Bible study – all the things that good Christian girls do. But something wasn’t right. I was trying and trying to find that right thing, better thing, but thinking and feeling that I never hit the mark. That no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. I did a Bible Study – but did I study enough? I prayed – but was it long enough, heartfelt enough? I read my Bible – but did I read enough of it? Did I get out of it what I was supposed to? Did I read the right thing?

I met with other people – Christians and non - and was left with the same feeling – there was an invisible goal that no one was meeting. There was a standard – that seemed to be a moving target really – because it looked different in every person. And whatever it was for me, I couldn’t meet it. There were those that ‘looked’ like they were meeting it when I compared myself to them, but when I talked to them, they had the same dissatisfied, incomplete, missing-the-mark sense that I did. The ‘mark’ was different for everyone – but it was there.

This and other life circumstances led me down the road to some serious depression. There was a time when I spilled milk on the counter in the kitchen, promptly started crying, and went and laid on the couch for the rest of the day (leaving the spill). I took meds off and on for almost a decade.

Ok – here goes – I am gonna put it out there. [deep breath.] Seven years ago, I joined a program at our church called Celebrate Recovery. I had seen a counselor for a few weeks and she suggested it. CR is a Christian 12 step program – similar to AA but we identify our Higher Power as Jesus Christ. But me – in a 12 step program?? I am not an alcoholic – nor a drug addict – I have not been abused or neglected… Nothing that I thought I knew about 12 steps applied to me. But she said something to me that I have NEVER forgotten, “Pain is pain, Jennifer, and you deserve to heal.” Wow.

Pain is pain. Hmm. I have thought about that so often in the ensuing years. I had another counselor tell me that there were ‘Big T’ traumas and ‘Little T’ trauma. ‘Big T’ traumas were things that would traumatize just about anyone no matter who they were – the loss of a parent, a car accident, sexual abuse, divorce. ‘Little T’ traumas were things that traumatize someone because of who they are or because of where they are at at that time. These are things like comments made to me that would not have bothered someone else, or moving to a new state, or the loss of a friendship. They are traumas that had an impact on me because I am ME.

That was a big step in accepting ME. I had always thought (and sometimes been told ) that I was oversensitive. That I made a big deal out of things that weren’t. I felt great emotion for things that others didn’t. Those emotions often got in the way of me living my life. But what if the things that ‘bothered’ me were real? What if my pain was really MINE and REAL?? Were really true for ME? That it didn’t make me anything at all…except me? That the person who told me that I was overreacting thought that because it wouldn’t have bothered them – but it did bother ME??? And that was okay? Hmm – that was a big thought. And it would start to change everything…

That is probably long enough for today – part II to come soon. Maybe next Thursday if I have the time to sit and write…

Jennifer